After the Party...The Long Drive Home...

I spent four terrific days with my family, celebrating my granddaughter's 6th birthday. She requested a blueberry cake with a rainbow and a unicorn! Does that sound perfect for a 6 year old girl?

We had the party at a local park, cooking tofu dogs, garden burgers, playing on the playground then swimming in the swimming hole. All of her little friends came.

The weather was gorgeous - hot, sunny, blue sky - perfect.

My daughter is the best mom. She works so hard to do everything for her little family. She takes care of everyone. She made a beautiful mermaid doll for the birthday girl. It is so sweet. Birthday girl loved it.

The girls had horsewomanship lessons, too. They are learning trick riding. It's quite exciting to see them standing on the horses, spinning on the horses, relaxing on the horses, jumping the horses.

Then we went to the organic blueberry farm to pick blueberries. I hope some of them got frozen in time! We had the best time. The kids played and picked blueberries. They had so much fun they didn't want to leave.

After a great four days, I drove 12 hours straight to get home. My legs hurt from sitting for so long in the car, but it was worth the drive to spend time with the littles. Can't wait till I'm there every day!

Off to see my beautiful family!!!

Well, first thing tomorrow morning I'll be in my trusty Honda, in the dark before dawn, driving 12 hours to see my daughter, son-in-law and my beautiful grandchildren.

I always load up the car with food, things to take to them (this time I'll be loaning them some dining chairs since I neither cook nor invite anyone over to my little apartment up here) and everything the car will hold. I usually bring my own pillows, blanket, even towels. It's pretty funny how we get attached to "our stuff". I'm not a keeper of things at all. I have kept some jewelry (mostly fake) from my Mom, a bunch of photos, of course, some old Christmas cards from those I love, one box of "things the kids made when they were little" and very little of my own artwork.

Wonder how expensive the drive will be this time. My last fill-up was at $4.25 and that's much less than most of the stations around here.

It's my granddaughter's 6th birthday. I missed her birthday last year and I don't ever want to miss these birthdays. I'm all too aware of how few there are. She said that she wants a blueberry cake, so that is what she'll have. Nice, organic blueberries. If we're lucky, we'll go and pick blueberries at the local organic blueberry farm. If not, Costco sells organic blueberries. But its much more fun to pick them with the little ones. They eat more than they keep and by the time we're done hands and faces are blue, blue blue!

Can you tell that I'm excited?

Remembering Independence Days Past

My daughter was born in 1976, the 200th anniversary of our country. The first two weeks of her life seemed to be spent crying, crying, not sleeping. I felt as though I never slept either. So on the first July 4th of her new life we went to see the fireworks as we had done each year since we moved to Connecticut. We lived in a very nice town, to say the least. The fireworks were held at the high school and we always looked forward to a great show!

We walked to the field with our new baby girl in our arms, wondering if she would be frightened by all the noise. We needn't have worried. She slept through the entire show, with flashes and loud noises all around her. It was probably the first time she had slept for such a long time since she was born.

Each year thereafter, we would bring the children to the fireworks. Some years they would be frightened, some years they would be awed. In the morning we would go to the parade, a perfect small town parade with kids, firetrucks, girl scouts, town officials, even garbage trucks. Then my husband would run in the 4th of July run and we'd go and find a good place to cheer him on as he ran by.

As the years went on and the children grew older, the parade seemed smaller, less fun, fewer participants, but we still went. It was a tradition.

Usually there was also a concert on the Green that weekend. I participated in a few of those concerts as a member of the wonderful Choral Society while the family had a picnic dinner with friends.

I remember these days and miss them now. So, if you have small children, take them to the local town parade and fireworks show today and cherish it all.

Midyear Musings on the 4th of July

Today is July 4th. I have been here now for six months. It feels like I am so far from everyone I care about. I call my friends, but I miss being able to visit them, go out to dinner or a walk. We had enormous lightning and thunderstorms yesterday. It reminded me of when we lived in Connecticut. So loud, but my son would sleep through it all. Apparently these storms are very unusual for us here.

I feel time ticking. I am at an age when the years ahead are no longer unlimited. I am working out every day now, conscious that my health is going to be very important to my quality of life in the future.

I scan the listings for homes near my daughter and grandkids, impatient for the day when I will be near them and a part of their everyday lives. I want to be able to help out, have the kids over for a sleepover with Grandma, teach them art, teach them life. I am exquisitely aware of how quickly they will grow up. I want to scream "Stay 5 years old!" but even as I think this, I know that the next time I see them, they will already have changed from the pictures I keep with me.

A few years ago I spent the 4th of July with my brother and my sister (really my sister-in-law but we were sisters in our hearts). She had not yet found out that she had a rare form of cancer. We sat outside that evening and across the yard, in the dark, a neighbor began to set off some fireworks. Really kind of nice ones. So my brother went inside and put on some patriotic music to accompany the display and we sat there in the dark, watching the fireworks, listening to the music, drinking wine. I cried silently, aware that this moment would never come again. My beautiful sister died 27 months later and I miss her every day.

Parenting my adult children

I’d like to be friends with my adult children. I was friends with my mother and when I had a daughter, I was thrilled! I’d have a grown daughter to pal around with!
I have two grown children. My relationship is different with my son than with my daughter. My daughter and I talk virtually every day, sometimes several times a day. We’re never at a loss for things to tell one another. First, of course, I can talk about (and to) my grandchildren at the drop of a hat. Then, there are the other usual things: life, food, relationships, work, home, politics and anything else .
If more than a day goes by that I don’t hear from her, I begin to worry. She tells me that she’s fine and that I don’t have to worry, she can take care of herself and her family. I know this, of course. I’m not so nuts as to think otherwise. I raised her to be independent and smart, to be able to tell a person’s true character, to choose her friends wisely, to make her own decisions. So I am quite pleased that she has done so.
Nothing is more important to me than my family. Nothing. From the day they were born, I felt so lucky to have these two as my children.
So, it stands to reason that they can hurt me with just a word, a look, a sigh or a roll of the eyes. The dreaded multisyllabic “Mommmm”… I too, am a strong, independent woman. Over time I have come to realize that when they talk to me, they aren’t asking for my advice, they are just asking me to listen to them. So, I’ve stopped giving out unrequested advice. I’m there when they ask for my brilliant and wide-ranging knowledge, of course, but I don’t volunteer it anymore. Most of the time, anyway…
My daughter probably doesn’t realize that this has happened, but I am very conscious of it. My daughter still thinks that I criticize her - that I think that she is incompetent. Nothing could be further from the truth. I watch in awe at her grace as she raises three quite incredible, lovely children. She confesses that she yells at them as if this is something odd. Oh! She’s not the perfect mother! Oh no! Well, I think that she’s pretty perfect. Her children blossom, they too are strong, independent little ones. I see my granddaughter , now almost 6, behaving very much the way my daughter did at her age. So smart and opinionated, so self-assured from birth. Always testing, testing. Fearless. She expects everyone to like her. She is learning to be a good friend, but she’ll find out that not everyone will like her. I would like to protect her from being hurt, but of course I won’t be able to do that. And, she will finally discover, as I have, that very few people will truly be her friends and that those will be precious indeed. But those few will be all that she will need.
What about my son? Well, he’s 28 now. He is, I have always said, the smartest person I know. He is articulate on virtually any subject. He is passionate about the environment, solar energy in particular. He has a good job now, with a great company. Someday he may decide to go back to college. For now I have stopped nagging him about it.
But, again, I know that he will be just fine. He is very like his father in some ways. He is not talkative on the phone. I play 20 questions with him, then I remember to ask open-ended questions to get the conversation rolling. Our phone conversations are much less frequent. We speak every few weeks. He says that he’s busy. Well, I say, we’re all busy. He is very sensitive. He used to get very upset when I raised my voice. Even now, he’s very sensitive to the tone of my voice. I am aware of this and consciously modulate my voice when I speak to him. But he is sharp and witty and can be sarcastic, all things I was, too. But I have learned to stifle my sharp comments now, seeing their effect on people I care about.
So, those are my thoughts today on my children. If only we could pass on our knowledge to our children so that they don’t make the mistakes we made…Sadly, no.

Summer's Here! Finally...

It is the first day of summer!! Finally. I have been here for six months now. The days are very long up here in Washington. The sun has been out all day today. People have told me that the long, cold spring here was unusual. I think they are not telling me the truth. People love it up here and want everyone to love it too! But I lived in Northern California for many years and I don't think this climate suits me. It was so rainy and cold for so long. In California I never wore a winter coat, but here I have a wardrobe of different raincoats. Short, long, winter, summer...I have pictures of hail and snow in April. Very sad.

But it really is beautiful here. The Olympic mountains are the backdrop for everything. My office is right on Lake Washington. The weather changes quickly here and sometimes a rainstorm will rush through for a few minutes with wind and rain, then the sun will be peeking through the clouds, blue sky overhead, snow-capped mountains in the background and I can see why people love it here.

You can get through it...

I think that one of the most important things I taught my kids is that, no matter how bad things look, you can get through it. You will be able to cope with adversity. You may think that things are hopeless, but over time, things do get better.

Happy Birthday, Beautiful Daughter

Today is my beautiful daughter's birthday. She is my firstborn. From the very day she was born, she was herself. Smart, headstrong, fearless, she could "work" a room, introducing herself and making friends. I remember one day that we were on a road trip and had made a pit stop at a "Friendly's" restaurant along the way. My kids went into their respective bathrooms, their father and I were standing outside. I could hear talking in there and as people came out, several asked "Is that your daughter? She introduced herself to me and told me all about you. She's something!" (Same thing happened for my son, by the way).

Yeah, she's something. When she was born I remember holding her and thinking that I never realized that I could love someone so much, so immediately. She was a large baby, 9lbs 2.5 oz. so she walked at 8 months. Yes. She was on her way. And it was my role as her mother to teach her everything in the world. So, when we were in the car, I'd point out trucks, trees, buildings, animals to her. I knew that I had gone overboard when one day as I yelled out "firetruck!" I turned and realized that I was alone in my car that day...hmmm.

When she was perhaps 10 years old, she came home from school and decided that she would be a vegetarian. She had seen a film about how chickens were raised and decided that she could no longer eat any meat. Well, that was it. She just stopped eating meat. Meals became more interesting for us. My son is a carnivore and she a vegetarian. Between them, a complete meal.

She was quite a rebellious teen, running away once for four days and aging me 10 years in that time. Now, as a mother herself, she frequently apologizes to me "I'm so sorry, Mom. I can't believe I did that to you." I guess that is the turnabout. Until you are a mother, you can't know. But throughout her tumultous teen years, I knew that if I kept our communications open, she would find her way back. I had total faith in this because I had raised her to make her own decisions and to be able to think for herself. I just had to live through it until I could exhale again.

She has always known her own mind. Choosing her friends, she could take the measure of a person and I always trusted her to make the right choices.
Now, she is a mother of three little loves. I worked full time while my children were growing up and I feel that I missed so much. She is lucky to be able to stay home with them and I am always telling her "These are the best years of your life. Enjoy them. Cherish your children now. Cherish your life now." Funny, no one believe that when they are changing diapers, doing laundry, washing dishes, cleaning house, managing three toddlers. "Get off your brother's head!"
But I am here to tell you, "You're gonna miss this."

So, happy birthday, my love, I am completely in awe of you.

Love, mom.

Things Grandma Knows...

People always assume that I have the answers.

I have gotten some pretty strange calls. Here are some of them:

At 11pm, some years ago: "Mom, how do you cook artichokes?"

From my 5-year old Granddaughter: "Grandma, when I call you, how does the cell phone work?"

So, what do I really know? I didn't know much when I was younger. I made some awful decisions, some really stupid mistakes. But now this stuff seems pretty obvious. It seems that everyone has to make her own mistakes and no one ever seems to learn from others' mistakes, but perhaps someone will read this and a light will go off for them.

Here are some of the things that I have finally learned... Things I didn't learn for a long, long time.

Treat everyone you meet with respect. Not something I have always done. But as I get older it seems so obvious. Your co-workers, clerks in stores, people on the phone. Make them feel good about themselves. You don't have to knock them down. Smile, say hello. My kids will laugh their heads off at this one. They know me and they know that I can be pretty sharp and derisive and impatient with people who aren't quick enough. In fact, I don't think my kids have yet recognized this change in me, so convinced are they that I am still my past.

Build people up. Don't tear them down. A person's real character shows through in how they treat their friends, family and strangers.

Accept gifts gracefully. I'm terrible at this. Even now. Why is that? I think it is because, deep down, I don't think I deserve gifts. "Please, don't spend money on me, I don't need anything". Unfortunately, that's how my parents were. Hard habit to break. My daughter recently gave me an Ipod for Mother's Day. I accepted this gift gracefully. She told me that she knew I'd return it. In fact, I did return it, but just to get the one with more memory. I think it's a great gift. I haven't gotten it yet, but I will. I will.

People don't have to know that you are the smartest in the room - it's enough if just you know it.

No one else can make you happy. And you can't make someone else happy. We're all on our own here.

A corollary to this is:

You can't change another person. So girls, when you date that "project guy", that guy who would be perfect if only he changed this or that...No... He wouldn't. He'll just drag you down with him. Back away from that guy. Fast.

Instead, find the man (or woman, you guys) who will be your best friend. Who will build you up, support your dreams, your gifts. That's the person you want for your life. There are plenty of people who will step on you, knock you down, hurt you. Your partner cannot, I say, CANNOT be one of them.

Live below your means. I know that it is so tempting to buy the bigger house, bigger car, more expensive clothes. You figure, "I have plenty of time till retirement". Well, no. You don't. I know too many people who now realize in their late 50s that they won't ever get to retire. I recently moved and it was very depressing to go through years and years of receipts for things I had bought. Most of which I don't even have anymore...almost none of which I really needed. I threw out so much...junk.

Get an education.

You don't know what you don't know. If you don't go to college, you'll never know. There's so much out there. College teaches you to think. To do research. To finish something. Turns out that it's really important stuff, to be able to finish things. Not quitting when things get tough. Don't tell me you don't have the money or the time or any other excuse. College is an investment in YOU. In your future. It is worth it. But you can go to a community college for your first two years, then transfer into the school from which you will graduate. Don't forget, that diploma only lists the school from which you graduate, not the steps along the way. And remember, once you have that diploma, it's yours forever.

Save as much as you can, as early as you can. As soon as you start working, even just a few dollars a month. Don't get that $3 latte. Bring your lunch. That alone is a few hundred dollars a month! Then buy a house. It doesn't have to be big. It can be a duplex where you live in one half and rent out the other half. Then your tenant will be paying off your mortgage debt. But start owning real estate. Then, don't sell it. Start building up your real estate investments.

Corollary 1: Pay off your mortgage as quickly as you can. Don't believe those people who say "it's a tax deduction". Duh! a tax deduction means, first you pay it, then you get some of it back. But if you don't have to pay it in the first place, you get to keep it all. Just because it is a 30-year mortgage doesn't mean you should keep it for all 30 years. Really. Think, people.

Corollary 2: IF YOU DON'T HAVE THE MONEY - DON'T BUY IT! Seems pretty obvious, but so many people are in a hole and just keep digging.

Set Goals. One of these goals should be to be able to retire at an early age. You don't have to actually retire, but wouldn't it be nice to have the choice?

Keep your true friends, get rid of the others. You will find that you start to categorize people into those who are easy to be with and those who just take too much effort. Cherish your true friends, your family. Dump the others. Goodbye!

Be friends with your parents, your siblings (and your adult children). I'm talking about when you and they are all adults. I think it is always so sad when someone says that they haven't spoken to their brother or mother in years. Your siblings, after all, are the only people on this earth who have gone through the same life that you have. You and they share your early memories. Once your parents are no longer around, no one else knows you like your brother or sister.

Grow up! Don't hold grudges from years past. What a waste of energy.

Don't blame your past for your life now. I used to know someone who kept saying that no one in his family was ever destined to succeed and so, neither would he. He even said that there was a black cloud following him everywhere he went. In fact, the only thing keeping him from succeeding in life was his own behavior and his own choices. Until he realizes this, he'll be just making the same mistakes over and over.

Stay healthy and fit. Sweetie, nothing else matters if you don't have this.

Be yourself and be in control of yourself. People will try to make you into someone else - your boyfriend, your boss, your parents. Stick to your guns. No one has the right to control you. Make your own decisions. Ask for help if you need it, but in the end, the decisions are yours to make.

Lucky Me

Yesterday I emailed some of my good friends to tell them that my Dad would be 94 on Sunday and to ask them to send him a birthday card. I figured that at 94 you probably don't get many cards. My oldest friend, from high school, responded that she would try to get a card out and then wrote "Hey girlfriend, you have a daddy and a half. See how lucky you are".

Yeah, I know. A daddy and a half.

I heard the news today that Tim Russert, from NBC's Meet The Press, died today. Tim was just 58. I had recently read his book (listened to it, actually) "Big Russ and Me" and was touched to see how his early life was eerily similar to mine. His father had been in World War II, Tim grew up in a working class neighborhood, played the same street games that we played, had many of the same early experiences we had (though his family was more religious than was mine), so when I heard that he had died today I felt that I had lost a part of my history, my childhood. Tim was so joyous about his family. One of his friends said that Tim thought that he had won the lottery of life and lived his life knowing this and being grateful everyday for his family, his work, his friends.

I can't think of a better way to live each day.

Happy Birthday, Dad

Well, Sunday is Father's Day. It is also my Dad's 94th birthday. He always lost out. He'd get one combined card. "Happy Birthday and Happy Father's Day, Dad!"

He is still going strong, healthy, with his mind just as sharp as ever. He still has a full head of hair. His vision and his hearing aren't what they were, but I don't mind yelling into the phone. Although I think it scared the cab driver one night when I answered the cell phone and started yelling to Dad..."HI DAD, HOW ARE YOU!!!"

Anyway, he has always been there for us. He's quiet and steady. He has taken care of my youngest brother on his own for all these years. I love you, Dad.

He still lives in the house he and Mom bought back in 1954. He never saw the need to move. Why would anyone need more than one house, after all?

He is a member of The Greatest Generation. He was a prisoner of war in World War II for 28 months, captured in North Africa, until he escaped, but when he told us about it when we were kids, he made it sound like a big adventure - "The Great Escape". We grew up on these stories. Some kids heard nursery rhymes, we heard war stories. Dad never wanted to visit Europe. He said he already saw it - from the boxcar when he was taken to the POW camp in Germany.

He owned a small drycleaning store and worked six days a week, every week. I don't remember that he ever missed work because he was sick. Ever. He said that there were no sick days when you owned your own business. On Friday nights he'd come home with an extra large cheese pizza for the family. Those were the days when Catholics weren't allowed to eat meat on Friday. On Sunday nights we'd gather in front of the TV to watch Wonderful World of Disney. Dad would get the Ritz crackers and peanut butter and we would feast on this special treat. Sometimes if he was feeling particularly frisky, he would do push ups or sit ups for us.

For a special Sunday family outing, we'd go to Post Arrow in the Bronx and have burgers or hot dogs and play arcade games. This was way before video games. We were shooting a row of ducks in a shooting gallery game. Thought we were pretty cool.

When I grew up and had children of my own, he and my Mom would visit us almost every Sunday. We had a pool and Dad was right in there with the kids, diving off the board, teaching them to dive and swim and playing around in the pool with them.

I always knew that he was special.

I love you, Dad. Happy Birthday and Happy Father's Day!

Back Home Again...

I had a fantastic time with my kids. I loved being there for Mother's Day. Our art project this time (we always have art with grandma) was to make cards for Mom. We gathered brightly colored flowers and placed them on watercolor paper, covered them with a paper towel and pounded the pigments into the paper. We wound up with flower paintings that the kids then embellished with colored markers. Special blueberry pancakes, some zinnias and pansies in pots, handmade cards...a perfect Mother's Day for my beautiful daughter.

Next we took a long walk and went to the beach. It was a beautiful, sunny day, not too windy.

Then, riding lessons where I watched my 5 year old jump her pony, canter and jog him. Then she rode bareback. She's getting really confident on the pony. It's pretty cool to see her take care of the pony, brushing him and being around the stable - she's learning about being responsible while she learns to ride. Love it...

But the best thing was when we stopped on the way back to the airport to go to the carousel.
Yes, there's a beautiful, old carousel along the freeway at a car dealership. I got on with the two kids. This was no wimpy carousel! We were flying up and down, around and around. I looked over at my granddaughter and she had this smile of absolute, pure joy on her face. She just enjoys everything so much! It was priceless for me.

Then Goodbye at the airport. I could see them waving to me as I got on my plane to go home. Until next time...

Over the River and Through the Woods...

Yippee! I'm going to see my kids. I'm soooo excited. It's amazing to me how much I love these guys. When my daughter was born I remember thinking that I couldn't ever love someone as much as I loved her. Of course, as mothers know, our hearts can love so much. I felt the same way when my son was born. Then, SURPRISE! my grandchildren come along and I find that it happens all over again!

So, as luck would have it, I'm actually going to be there for Mother's Day. I love to do art projects with the kids, so (shhhh! don't tell Mom!) we'll make some cool things for her.

It is so much fun to be a grandma! When I was a young mother, I had my priorities upside down.

Now I know better.

Conversations With a Young Mother with Toddlers

My daughter and I try to call each other almost every day. But it's difficult. We may talk for a minute or two, then our calls end like this:

"Are you really going to throw up? I can pull over!" (Generally, that's her, not me, saying that!)

or, the combo crisis:

"The baby threw up all over me...I've got to go...Did you poop in your pants?"

And she assures me that these are not just excuses to get off the phone with me...

My children teach me so much...

As I have gotten older, although I am much wiser, my children are always teaching me new things; things I wasn't aware I didn't know - things they probably don't even know they are teaching me.

I am in awe of my daughter. My daughter teaches me how to be a better person. A better Mom, a better Grandma (although I'm a pretty good Grandma). She challenges me on things I never gave a thought to before. Makes me more aware and conscious. She is so aware of her world and how she wants it to be. In my eyes, she seems to be very true to herself. She has always been herself. From the day she was born. She decided to become a vegetarian at age 9 after watching a film about the awful conditions in which chickens were kept. That was it. From that day on, no more meat.

Now she has her own chickens, just for the eggs of course, roaming freely on her little farm.

My son, so sure of himself, has no fear. He built a radio-controlled helicopter at age 11. One day, this big package arrived at the door. He had bought it himself and put it together himself...He's older now, working, making his way in his world. I have no doubt that he'll do whatever he wants to do.

They couldn't be more different, but I see how similar they are in the things that matter.

The Generational Thing...

This is how I see the generations in my family: Over the generations, the women in our family (I say women because my family seems to have been a matriarchy or at least that's how I've always thought of it) seem to build upon the things they learned from their mothers, grandmothers, aunts to become a new and improved version of the prior generation. So, my Mother taught me some useful things: She taught me to stand up for myself and not to automatically defer to "authority". She taught me that family is everything. She taught me to sew. And, most important, my mother taught me that I could do anything. I don't mean unrealistic, stupid things. I mean, she taught me that if I want to learn how to do something, then the way to go about it is to just do it!

Of course, nowadays the Internet makes it much easier to learn how to do things. But back in the '50s and '60s, Mom just figured it out for herself. I'd come home from school and there was Mom, sitting at the dining table, carving little birds out of soap and painting them with nail polish. Or, one day when she and I were walking home from the market (she didn't drive), we found sheets of this pretty pink stuff next to someone's garbage. We didn't know what it was, but we knew we could make something out of it. So, we gathered it up in our arms and took it home. Turned out that it was fiberglass sheeting. We were picking fiberglass shards out of our red, swollen arms for days.

For his part, Dad could fix anything. If the washing machine broke, we'd send Dad downstairs to take it apart. We never called repairmen. I remember my Dad with wrenches and hammers spread out around him and the washing machine in pieces on the floor. But he always fixed it.

So, in a family like this, we grew up with the attitude that nothing was impossible to do - nothing too hard; if you didn't know how to do something, you'd just figure it out, trial and error.

To this day it cracks me up when someone asks me "How did you learn to do that?" when they see my paintings or ceramics or even the painted wall treatments in my home. I just shrug my shoulders and say "I just do it." Makes it hard to buy things that other people have made. I'm always looking at things and saying "I can make that myself."

So, as I was saying, I am the next evolution of my Mom and my Daughter is, as I see it, a new and improved version of the women she hails from. Maybe a smarter, savvier me. Or maybe just herself. I like to think that some of her smartness and savviness are genetic, from the long line of women in my family...Oh, by the way, my brother and my son also picked up the "womanly" wisdom in the family, it seems.

Now I see my Granddaughter showing signs of being part of the tribe as well...

Words To a Young Parent

I often wish that I could tell young parents what I've learned over the years and spare them the trials I went through and the mistakes I made as a parent. It is all so obvious to me now and was so difficult then.

I recently got that opportunity. I had a white sofa and loveseat for sale and a woman called to ask about it. We talked about the sofa for a bit - it was pretty obvious that she really wanted a white sofa - , then she paused and said wistfully, "I have two small children". She paused, and I laughed. "Then trust me, you probably don't want this sofa. It's white." I said. "I didn't get a white sofa until my kids were grown and out of the house." Another pause while she considered this and she asked "Well, what advice can you give me?" as if I were a telephone fortune teller. I realized that she wasn't talking about the sofa anymore. She was asking me, as a wise older woman who had apparently survived parenthood, my advice on being a parent. Here was my opportunity!

I said, "The two most important things I learned, rather too late in my case, are, first - be consistent and follow through on the consequences. So, if you have rules, be consistent. If your child breaks the rule, make sure there are consequences and that they are rational AND that you will enforce them."

"It makes no sense to tell your child that they can NEVER EVER watch TV again. The first time you go back on your word and give in and let her watch TV, your child knows you don't mean what you say and you've lost her respect."

I went on, "The second rule is to always show a united front with your spouse in front of the children. Support each other and never override the other parent. Never let your children come between you."

We talked for awhile longer, she asked me some more questions, then we said goodbye. Among other things, she told me that she couldn't get the children to go to sleep without sleeping with them in their beds and then waking up in the middle of the night with a pain in her neck and back from trying to shape herself into a pretzel in a single bed so as not to wake the little angel.

Ahhh. I remember that. I think my kids were in college before I or my husband ever spent a full night in our own bed. Well, perhaps I exaggerate.